


we can grow

by sunflower_8



Series: valentine countdown - twenty twenty [4]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Depression, In a way, M/M, Making Up, Mental Breakdown, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy mentality, not edited, please mind the tags, unhealthy reaction to breaking up, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22687210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: hajime and nagito get into a fight.(nagito goes to a park to think it over.)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Series: valentine countdown - twenty twenty [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628773
Comments: 8
Kudos: 212





	we can grow

**Author's Note:**

> tw for suicidal thoughts and unhealthy reactions to a break up

The river was as tempting as ever.

Komaeda clenched his hands into fists as he peered over the edge, watching the cold water hit the rocks with splashing noises. The dark blue color was beautiful--  _ breathtaking _ \-- and Komaeda couldn’t help but  _ want _ to become part of it all.

Suicidal thoughts weren’t new to him. They were frequent, actually. Usually, though, he had someone with him to remind him to stay safe, to help guide him towards fighting it off. He’d go to therapy and try to learn coping mechanisms, but…

He cancelled his therapy appointment. He’s alone. There’s nobody around him to force him to get better. To live.

He fought with Hinata, and he was never going to get him back.

He squeezed his eyes shut.  _ God.  _ The argument was his fault in the first place. They didn’t have to fucking argue, but Komaeda’s existence attracted conflict and inconvenience. Hinata said some things-- too cruel and ill-advised, honest and warranted, it’s a matter of perspective-- and he left. He left Komaeda alone in their apartment.

What was he supposed to do? Stay? 

No. The river was better. 

_ I’m surprised Hinata stayed as long as he did.  _ Komaeda thought.  _ I don’t have many redeeming qualities. I suppose I’m comforting, but I usually just coddle Hinata until he has to smile. And that’s not the best way to deal with things, right? I mean, cuddling is nice, and if I die here I’ll never get to feel Hinata’s arms around me again, but they could go around someone better who deserves it more and- _

“Hey hey.” 

Komaeda startled, turning around to see a girl with a cat hoodie and her phone in her hands looking up at him. Her lips quirked into a comforting smile, but he could tell that her pink eyes were filled with concern. It was hard to tell, with the way her bangs covered them though, but who wouldn’t be concerned at seeing a crazy man at a bridge?

_ Fuck, she thinks I’m suicidal, doesn’t she? _

_ Well, aren’t I? _

“Is everything alright?” Her voice was sleepy yet alert, with a sweetness to it. 

Komaeda nodded. “I’m fine. I’m just, ah, waiting. For someone.”

It wasn’t technically a lie. She didn’t know that the person he was waiting for wasn’t coming, though. 

She tilted her head. “Why are you on the bridge then?”

“We like to meet here.” He lied. He was pretty sure he and Hinata have never been to this park before.

She believed him. “Okay. Do you want me to wait with you?”

He shook his head and stepped away from the railing. He didn’t want her to call the police or anything. “It’s fine. If he doesn’t show up soon, I’ll probably just head home.”

“Okay. I’m Nanami Chiaki, by the way.”

“Komaeda Nagito.”

She smiled softly and started walking away again, giving him a wave. He waved back, waiting until she was gone before sighing. Unsure of what to do, he pulled out his phone and opened it.

_ Oh. _

That was a mistake.

**hajime:** ko where the fuck are you?

**hajime:** i’m seriously fucking worried.

**_Missed call from hajime._ **

**hajime:** please come home. i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.

**_Missed call from hajime._ **

**hajime:** are you at a park or something

**_Missed call from hajime._ **

**_Missed call from hajime._ **

**hajime:** i know where you are. i’m coming. don’t fucking move.

How could he possibly know?

Those messages had been sent around ten minutes ago. Factoring in the distance from here to their house, he was probably close. Fuck.

Komaeda scratched at his wrist, hoping he would stop hyperventilating if he had pain to ground him. Normally, when he did this, Hinata would take his hand away and hold it, quietly talking him down from whatever mental cliff he found himself hurling down. Hinata would take him and they would make tea together, and they’d watch some shows together. 

_ But you’re alone, you’re alone, you’re alone, you’re- _

When Komaeda heard the sound of a car, he froze. 

This was it, then. 

Komaeda winced when he heard the car door slam shut, followed immediately by footsteps. They stopped just short of a few feet away, and he dug his fingernails into his palm.

Behind him, he could hear, “Komaeda.”

He inhaled sharply. He felt like he was going to crumble. He forced himself to speak. “Hinata-kun.”

His companion stepped forward. Komaeda didn’t move. Hinata didn’t look at him, and instead leaned on the bridge’s railing. He was quiet, and Komaeda noticed how utterly exhausted he looked. Hinata’s green eyes were plagued by dark circles, and his posture was slumped as he watched the river. Komaeda resisted the urge to hug him, because he couldn’t give into his desires. Hinata is above his desires.

Hinata finally asked, “You cold?”

Komaeda shook his head, rubbing his hands together and yet insisting, “I’m fine.” His voice was cooler than he wanted and he winced at the icy tone. He wanted to apologize for sounding so aloof, but Hinata was already looking away and ignoring him. He sighed and shuffled in place, whispering a “sorry” that was carried away by the wind. His lips were chapped and chilly, so he buried his face in his (Hinata’s old) scarf and swallowed his words. They were silent for what felt like years, until Hinata spoke again.

“You are cold.” He stated quietly.

He looked down at the ground, subconsciously pulling his jacket tighter against him. He replied, slightly bitter, “Yes. I am.”

Hinata looked at the water for one last moment before breaking away from the bridge, straightening himself and walking over. He took off his coat, and Komaeda couldn’t find the strength to resist as he slipped it around him. Instead of pulling away, however, Hinata kept his arms awkwardly looped around him, and Komaeda wasn’t strong enough to argue with that, either. He leaned closer, and, while Komaeda tried to stop his urge to tuck his head under Hinata’s chin, the brunette showed no restraint and rested his head on the other’s. He kissed Komaeda’s forehead, almost absentmindedly, and Komaeda hummed softly, before—

_ “Hinata-kun.” _

Hinata jolted, shifting away from Komaeda slightly and looking into his eyes. The grey irises of the white-haired man was filled with sorrow and guilt, weighing them down. Hinata looked at him with a contradicting softness wrapped in complication and whispered, “Don’t do this. We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to fight this.”

“It’s not that easy-“

“Yeah.” Hinata cut him off. “Yeah it is. Ko, let's go home and talk this out. Get some hot cocoa, kiss a lot, and sleep. Isn’t that easy? Don’t we deserve that?” 

Komaeda shuddered, and Hinata held him closer, but it had nothing to do with the cold. “Hinata-kun, I can’t go home. I can’t do that. There’s a reason why I left and came here, you know that, you know I-“

“I know why you came here, Komaeda.” He replied stiffly. “I don’t want to think about that. We can fix this. We can learn and grow from this. Can’t you let us? You’re freezing and I’m scared, so let’s go home and be safe. I’ll hold you there. C’mon, I can drive us back-“ Hinata let go to walk towards the street, but stopped after a few steps to look at Komaeda. He stood still like a ghost, staring at the concrete. “Ko,  _ please _ .”

“We’re not going to get better, Hinata-kun. Every day, we try to destroy each other. I’m making you fall apart, don’t deny that. I know I am.” Hinata kept his mouth shut as Komaeda talked, gradually growing more hysterical, gradually throwing himself off a mental bridge into a river. “My talks of hope and depression and self destruction aren’t easing your fears. Nothing is going to improve. So can you just leave me here, where I can think and decide how I want my life to go? Because if I go back with you, I have to live every day with you, and I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired.” His voice broke, and he sniffled.

“Is your life meant to end here, then?” Hinata questioned, an edge in his voice. Komaeda stayed silent, and Hinata inhaled sharply. “Is that what you wanted?”

Slowly, Komaeda nodded. Hinata threw his arms around him and allowed him to rest his head against his chest, next to Hinata’s heart. Guilt hit him in tidal waves, and yet he couldn’t cry. He needed to. He wanted to. He was on the edge of actually getting the emotions (killing him) out, but he  _ couldn’t _ . He stood numbly as Hinata held him, and froze as his ex-boyfriend (boyfriend?) cried. 

_ I’m a fucking monster. _

“Hinata-kun?” Hinata just held him tighter, and Komaeda sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t a-apologize, Ko.”

“I’m poison. You have to leave. I was never good for you from the  _ start _ -”

Hinata pulled away harshly and cupped Komaeda’s face, pressing their foreheads together. “No. Don’t you  _ dare _ say that. It’s been hell without you. Ko, I didn’t know what the fuck to  _ do _ .” His tears didn’t stop falling, but he steadied his voice regardless. “Don’t complicate this. If you love me, we go home. If you love me, we work this out like adults and we’ll be happy. If you don’t love me, I’ll drop you off at our place and we can be friends. I’m never going to fucking leave you, and you aren’t allowed to die. Do you love me or not?”

Komaeda broke eye contact, looking at the ground. Guilt, depression, and panic were colliding in his mind, and he just wanted to  _ cry _ , or for the pain to  _ stop _ . Hinata was awaiting an answer, and so Komaeda said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I love you.”

“Okay.” Hinata sighed in relief. “Okay.”

And Komaeda broke.

He started shaking, and he was laughing, and why the hell was he laughing? There were tears but they didn’t feel good, they weren’t fixing anything, and he wished he could sink into the ground and not have to feel this anymore. Every breath was gasping and he had so much to say to Hinata-- the Hinata that was holding him,  _ his _ Hinata shushing him-- but it wasn’t going to come out. He rested his head against his chest and sobbed, listening to Hinata whisper softly and lovingly. He wished he could disappear, drown, die.

“H-Hinata-kun-”

“Breathe, Nagito.” Komaeda cried a little more at that. “Breathe. You’re fine, baby, you don’t have to apologize. I love you. Let’s go home, okay? I love you so much.”

“H-Home.” Komaeda stuttered out, and Hinata kept a tight grip on him as they walked back to the brunette’s car. From the corner of his eye, Komaeda could see the girl who stopped him and asked if he was okay, and she smiled softly at him. He tried to reciprocate the gesture, but he was sure the expression was splitting his face in the ugliest way possible. 

But he had Hinata back. 

He had  _ Hajime _ .

(The two of them cuddle at home, kiss and talk. They shift their relationship into the second act, where they can be healthier, and they figure it out.)

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: this is NOT a healthy reaction to breaking up. this is not meant to be romanticized or supported in this fic. the fact that komaeda feels this way is NOT his fault, but it is not a healthy way to deal with a break up. i don't have much in terms of experience, so i feel like saying these sorts of things sounds dumb or might be incorrect or whatever, but i'm confident on this. it's okay to feel this way, to feel suicidal around a break up or for other reasons, but i don't want to condone it as "okay" or "a natural, healthy reaction"
> 
> (also i should have mentioned this in that mess of a paragraph but komaeda's suicidal thoughts isn't solely caused by the relationship ending and i think that's important to note)
> 
> it's okay to struggle in a relationship. it's okay to have fights and bicker and when it comes down to it, it's okay to let go of a relationship that isn't working for you. but suicide is never the answer. 
> 
> you are more than one part of a relationship. you are more than your lack of relationship. your life is important. and valuable. and treasured. and it sounds dumb coming from someone who you don't technically know, and i know it's not this easy, it never is, but i care. so much. 
> 
> sorry for the essay. i still think the tough parts of having a relationship are important, but if the portrayal of komaeda's mental health and his reaction is unsettling to anybody, please let me know. 
> 
> i'm sorry for the long note., i never know when i'm suppost to shut up
> 
> i love you all.


End file.
